3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
