My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
