***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
