once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
