piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
