the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It's never too late to be topless.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
