rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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