if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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