we'll go far in life on tits alone.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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