i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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