You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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