I wish I could teleport
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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