Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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