Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
