Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
