Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize