So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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