lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
