Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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