3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
