Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So much rum. So many feels.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
