remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize