Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
