I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
