i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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