i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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