Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
