he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
