I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
