We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
