The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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