I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
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she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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