you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
