so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
