a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
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you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit