You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
