I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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