My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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