paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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