So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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