Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
