mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
