If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
