Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
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