just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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