I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
