In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
