Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
