who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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