So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
