I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
