What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
