The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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