I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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